Saturday, 8 September 2012

The Implications of Toaster Waffles

I started off my day in the way that I regularly do; by waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Unfortunately this has become quite commonplace in my routine. I am always waking up on the wrong side of the bed. One should always wake up facing west, away from the sunrise. However I am constantly waking up facing east . My hopes of eradicating this deplorable habit have been so far unsuccessful. I thought about turning my bed so that I would either face north or south but the thought of waking up facing north makes me physically sick. Could you imagine how thrown off your day would be if you woke up facing north? Or south for that matter. Even though I knew that my day could not possibly go well I forced myself out of bed anyways. The minute I got to my feet I had the strangest feeling that something strange was going to happen. However, nothing happened. How strange. I got my day on course and ventured downstairs for breakfast. To my demise, when I reached into the freezer to retrieve my box of toaster waffles I found a single waffle remaining in the box. This meant that at some point someone must have eaten a single waffle. How absurd. Isn't it common knowledge that you always eat toaster waffles two at a time? Apparently not. Toaster waffles are always eaten two at a time for several reasons. Firstly, waffles are a stacking food. You stack waffles. You can't stack one waffle, hence you need at least two. However three toaster waffles are too many for a modest breakfast. Unless you are having Sunday brunch on which occasion you would make homemade waffles. Furthermore, toaster waffles come in even numbers so the principles of basic mathematics would implore that eating them two at a time can never fail. Secondly, there are four slots in a toaster, unless you come from a big family and have a four slotted toaster. In this case two people would toast two waffles at one time therefor filling the for mentioned four slots. Thirdly, when preparing waffles you butter one then place the other on top to butter it. By doing this the butter on the bottom waffle melts and when you are done buttering the top waffle you switch the position of the waffles so that the butter on the top waffle can melt. In doing this the butter on both of your waffles is perfectly melted. This makes for delicious waffles. When the butter does not melt the waffles taste revolting. In conclusion you must eat two waffles in order to use the butter melting method so that you can ensure you have delicious waffles every time. Therefore toaster waffle are always eaten two at a time. I fed the last waffle to the dog and went to the basement in search of another box of waffles from the big freezer. I opened the large freezer and reached inside. I came across a box. It was blue and square. It was not toaster waffles. I pulled it out to look at it. Toaster strudel. What is this world coming to?

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